The Canadian Club

{October 16, 2009}   submitted for your consideration
dabney coleman sports a stache

dabney coleman sports a stache

So, I was thinking.  There should be a Dabney Coleman Index of National Greatness (DC-ING).  I’m not sure how the math would work out here.  Maybe something like Speaking Lines*Minutes of footage/Number of roles for any given year.  Because, as I was saying the other day, there really was something amazing going on back in 1983-84.  Ricky Stratton almost caused a nuclear war!   Matthew Broderick almost caused a nuclear war! The kid from ET almost caused a nuclear war!  But they didn’t.  And you know why?  Dabney Coleman was there every step of the way — whether playing a gruff but lovable secret agent, an irascible but lovable talk-show host, or a harried but lovable computer scientist.

I mean, Reagan may have been president, but Dabney Coleman was keeping us safe — and in stitches!  ROTFL! This gruff, but lovable paternalism may have been just what we needed to get our dance on — and boy did we ever get our dance on back in 1983-84.

But then, Matthew Broderick fracked it all up by killing people in 1987 — and the charm was gone.

Is it a coincidence that in 1986, Dabney starred in one of the greatest TV mini-series of all time? And then Slap Maxwell.  And then what happened? After the unjust cancellation of Slap Maxwell — he could only bail out Matthew Broderick so many times — nada.  Lame TV movies… up until 1997-99, when he had a minor star turn as Principal Prickly in Recess (“I recently ordered you kids a whole new set of balls.” ROTFL)!  Everybody knows how great the USA was in 1997-1999!  U-S-A! U-S-A!

Of course, that was followed by crap crap crap for nearly ten years until — his admirable star turn guest-starring as Dr. Bart Jacobs in the exceptional Treat Williams vehicle: Heartland.  Obviously, he has thus helped usher in a new period of national greatness.  The question is, of course, will his career continue to ascend throughout these next years, or will he rather cede his place, like Moses, to a Joshua generation Dabney Coleman facsimile?

What do you make of this, Dave?  Pretty compelling, right?


Dave says:

Is it possible that, in addition to Matthew Broderick’s 1987 frackup, Mother Nature’s 1987 frackup — in the form of Our Teen Years — has something to do with the your perception of the decline of Dabney Colman-ism in America? Or something?

Russ says:

OMFG! I think 1987 is when I moved to Highland Park: filming location for Ferris Beuller’s Day Off. That just about explains everything!

Dave says:

All I know is that in 1987, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my hair and I really, really wanted a boyfriend but no boys liked me. I think, looking back, that those miseries were intricately connected.

Russ says:

My sister did my hair and they made me square dance with the ugly girl with scaly hands. Those were not interconnected but both equally devastating.

Russ says:

My hands were not scaly, btw. Just so that be clear. They may have been a bit greasy from hair gel and blackheads… but they were good square-dancing hands, if anyone had just given me the chance.

can_i_haz_ty's_cheezburger says:

What was that about the years 1983-1984 being an apogee of our era? Let me add this to this mix:

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