The Canadian Club

{October 31, 2009}   I’m too sexy for this holiday


You know, Dave, I’m glad you asked.  In fact, I have been brimming with impotent rage — to quote a coinage — since about a week or two ago, when I realized that there would be this holiday at the end of the month.  Fortunately, I have found some succor in this brilliant series of articles in my old, beloved and much missed Washington City Paper.  It sort of gets straight to the heart of the matter. And I have been meaning to treat at length my displeasure here on our blog, and yet kept running up against the wall of other people‘s expectations.  As if!  Can’t I just keep the stipend and you wake me up in six years and tell me if I’ve won anything?

In any case, I think the worst of it came it last Sunday when I read this Op-Ed piece in the Times.  At first, I was surprised to see Peter Mayle alive.  I guess it must be that wonderful French red wine, fermented on the time-worn clichés of French villagers and their shocked bewilderment at AngloSaxon customs.  I would have to guess that the startling success of his Year in Provence series has likely shaped an entire generation or two of gatekeepers.  But honestly, did we need one more frackin’ article about how Halloween is catching on in continental Europe?  Can we stop congratulating ourselves on the continuing victories of the British Empire?  Does the New York Times have to open its pages to every writer coming out with a book? (Fortunately, the answer to that, is no, it doesn’t.)

OK.  The coffee only begins to kick in around mid-way through my second rant.  I’ll try to focus, forthwith.

In answer to your question, it should be pretty clear that any adult celebration of Halloween is taking the joke too far.  The only time it isn’t is when the adults in question invite me to their party.  Then, they are granted a momentary reprieve.  But the first time someone walks in the door wearing lingerie as a costume, count me out.

The Meaning of Lila

You grew up in the Valley, so you might have had an entirely different experience — but I don’t recall the fact of life whereby being an adult meant making up occasions to strip down to one’s underwear until our college years.  In addition to the misnomered Pimps and Hos parties (I hear they were giving that shit-my-pants away!) and the uniquely well thought-out stagings of poorly thought-out plays, there were the Halloween parties that became increasingly indistinguishable from the aforementioned Pimps and Hos parties.  Given this context, then, it is difficult for me to tell whether Halloween began to take on its current lupanaresque dimension in the early 90s, or whether my parents had just shielded me from it during my delicate childhood and adolescent years.  (Thanks, Mom!)

Speaking of these latter, I think it should be noted that perhaps my current distaste for the holiday also stems from the extent to which I thought it was rad during a couple of years of high school.  Believe me, had you been there, you would also want to distance yourself from that phase of life.  Now, however, listening over and over to Samhain (with a little Coven thrown in — remember how you hated that album?) via the Youtube for about the last twelve hours, I am beginning to feel quite tenderly toward that period of credence in the coolness of wearing black leather, kohl eyeliner, and chicken blood.  Perhaps, also, the inability to take that aesthetic fully seriously combined with the distaste it elicited in me for skimpy, bunny-eared costumes, protected me throughout college from succumbing to any unfortunate entanglements with the ladies.

Now, I envy your being able to approach this holiday from a parent’s perspective, as it seems that the holiday shoud cater to the 4 to 13-year-old crowd almost exclusively.  After that, really, what else is it but glorified paganism?  Still, you are faced with this problem, expressed so succinctly over the past week by Luann, of what to hand out to trick-or-treaters in this era of health-counscious paranoia.


Can candy still be a viable way to treat kids?  I have to ask that question or else I’ll end up wearing down my enamel by crunching tubes of Spree.  So, what’ll it be, Dave?  Are you handing out old children’s books?

Now, as you have noted, given that I have actually been invited someplace for the first time in about seven years, I am obliged to do some costume thing.  Unfortunately, when I moved, I left behind the disparate elements of the home-made glam rocker costume that won me 25 bucks when I was waiting tables.  And I still hold as a firm principle that never should one be forced to shell out more than ten bucks for a costume.  Which leaves me with few options at this late date.  I have alternatively passed through my mind taping balloons and fake vomit in strategic places and going as “sexy balloon boy”; also just getting blue greasepaint (We all know how much I love face-painting!) and going as Grouchy Smurf — but then I worry that I might be confused with Vishnu, which would be blasphemous.  So, digging through my possessions that could turn an OK costume, I have found a green salwar kameez and a pasthun hat.  Understanding fully that this is not a costume, I thought of taking along the acoustic guitar that SMP recuperated from my childhood home and calling myself Cat Stevens/Yusuf.  So:  Thumbs Up?  Thumbs Down?  Whaddya say?

My only other thought, in keeping with the true spirit of the holiday goes something like this:


Dave says:

Oh dear lord. That video. That video. There aren’t enough frowny-face emoticons in the whole of this internet-thingie to express how disturbing that was.

Russ says:

I think the dancing is quite good. And the double intennuendos of the “Monster” being “in his pants” quite clever.

Dave's Mom says:


1. If you are as charming Christy Stout Chambers, you may wear your lingerie to a Hallowe’en party.
2. If you are not as charming (or as pretty) as Christy Stout Chambers, you may not.


Bobbing for apples is a little like waterboarding.

Dave's Mom says:


1. If you are as charming AS Christie Stout Chambers, you may wear your lingerie to a Hallowe’en party.

Dave says:

I think my stripper mom is drunk.

Russ's mom says:

I know I’m going to mess up the whole intent of your little project AGAIN (still!) by not writing something arch, but I think your gripes are wholly shaped by, you know, not actually having left the house for Halloween in many years (don’t deny it!), and are based wholly on your readings of Us Weekly in grocery-store lines. But costume parties are fun and witty and nerdy. I went to a party last night where _everyone_ was in some form of amusing, clever costume or another and was very committed to playing the part. I had a deligthful discussion with a bunch of people who had dressed up as the doomed Challenger flight crew; they’d totally done their homework (turns out they were all killed by severe head trauma upon hitting the water, since the ship didn’t actually explode) and were very charmingly in character. Then I talked to the Carter Family, who were all in dour, serious clothes and were actually pretty musically talented (they were all lugging guitars and dobros).

So, quit your hatin’.

Dave says:

Hey, dude, I’m not hatin’! I said that I was totally OK with adults going to costume parties. But you must admit that there are adults who are creepy about it!

You must!

Take, for instance, the weirdo who accompanied his friend and her child to the Tot Parade yesterday — Tot Parade! For children under 6! — wearing a really scary mask that sent my child into hysterics — and who didn’t take it off for, like, 20 minutes, even though my kid was saying, through his tears, “That mask has to go home! That mask has to go home!” So I stand by my original assertion that some people take it Too Far. People who are just a little too sadistic or exhibitionistic.

Thanks for posting “The Meaning of Lila,” on your Web site. Of course, Lila didn’t actually GO to the Halloween party wearing lingerie. She went as a contestant from Project Runway wearing a dress made from Bibb lettuce, but she go hungry and ended up in her lingerie. But, if memory serves me she did go once as a Victoria’s Secret model while Boyd went as a Calvin Klein underwear model. Oh, well. Thanks, anyway 🙂 — John

Dave says:

Wow, John, thanks for commenting! We’re a little star-struck!

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